My Guide To Cheating

So here’s my guide to understanding infidelity and the rules to stick to if you want to minimize the damage an affair causes. We take a look at why we’re unfaithful, and the pros and cons of playing away.

Have you ever been tempted to stray?

Don’t fall in love

It’s easier said than done, but if you’ve decided that it’s not going to be a lasting thing, make sure you don’t get attached.

To avoid falling in love with your, em…lover, don’t get to know him too well and avoid going out for meals, to the cinema, for weekends away, or general things couples do together. Your passionate encounters are enough – you can’t have your cake and eat it.

Be Honest With him
There’s no point in letting him think you’re going to leave your partner for him if you know you’re not going to. You’ll only keep up his hopes and make the end harder to deal with. Don’t lead him a dance.

Be Honest With yourself
What is it you’re looking for?
A stop-gap? Your confidence back? A serious relationship? A kick up the rear for your partner, to make him pay you more attention?

Once you’ve worked out what you want and why, you can stick by your decision and get what you want out of it. And, of course, you need to be honest about the consequences if you’re in a serious relationship: what questions should you be asking yourself and your partner? Should you split up? If you’re having an affair, do you really love him?

Be discreet
Keeping it secret
Get rid of any proof you’ve been cheating (bank statements, texts and emails, the smell of cologne on your clothes, etc) and don’t go confessing your sins to all and sundry. The fewer people who know, the better. You can never be too sure, and you don’t want to make your friends and family feel uncomfortable around your partner by telling them.

Fixing boundaries
However wonderfully handy your house is, never ever invite your lover round for a quickie after work. A marital bed is particularly sacred. Did you know that one of the first questions someone who has been cheated on always asks is ‘Did he come to the house and did you sleep with him in our bed?’ Aside from that, it’s vital for your sanity to keep certain parts of your life separate from the rest.

Protect yourself and your partner
So he says he’s always been faithful? It means ab-so-lute-ly nothing. You made the same promise to your partner too, remember? You can’t prove he’s telling the truth, so don’t take any risks: always use a condom and make him take an HIV test with you. He could give you and your partner STDs or worse. Your affair might seem like a bit of fun but it can be a very, very dangerous game if you don’t take the right precautions.

Protect you and your partner from him
So he’s gorgeous, caring, sweet, and he’d never do anything to hurt you? Rubbish! You just never know. Just by being with you, he’s an accomplice to your lies and he could easily betray you. What if he got angry, jealous and posessive? What if you end it, he can’t stand being dumped and he decides to tell your partner everything? Think ahead and make sure he has no hold over you. Don’t tell him where your husband works and don’t give him your address or home number (you can always blacklist him on your mobile or change your number).

I want to cheat on my husband

Today, my secret is this: I no longer love my husband, and I often want to cheat.

Recently, I met K while walking the dog. We just… clicked. The conversation flowed easily, we shared doggy jokes and I walked home a little taller, a little bit excited. I checked in with myself: Do I fancy this man? The answer was a resounding ‘No.’ I wasn’t physically attracted to him.

Yet, I was happy when we bumped into each other on the field from time to time. I lingered longer than I normally would. He seemed kind of troubled, unclear about his life. His dissatisfaction with the world, his relationship and himself leaked out through seemingly innocuous comments. No, I wasn’t attracted.

Then, one day, we spent two hours together. The evening was chilly. Normally I would have gone home, but I didn’t. Neither did he. We just… stayed. Talked, joked, hung out.

A fellow dog walker asked us if we were married. Alarm bells went off. I thought of my husband and a quiet guilt nagged at me. This had become a secret.

Over the following days, I obsessed over K, wondering whether I’d see him. I was confused — I wasn’t attracted to this man physically, yet I was getting off on the idea that he liked me.

Here’s what I don’t want you to know: I started walking Molly past his house, hoping to “accidentally” bump into him.

I “coincidentally” walked the dog at the time he walked his — 6 p.m.. I felt disappointed each time I didn’t see him.

I thought about him a lot. At work, on the way to work, on the way home, at home, in the morning, while walking, while spending time with my husband.

His name even came to mind while my husband and I were having sex. I mentally ejected him from my thoughts — I wasn’t even attracted to him, and I had never fantasized about anyone else while being intimate with my husband.

The cumulative impact of these behaviors — these secrets — on my sense of integrity was indubitable.

I felt guilty and ashamed of myself.

I also felt scared: Taking the next step felt so… easy. So close. I knew that I could up the ante just a little bit and find myself in deep waters.

It frightened me that my hunger for a cheap thrill had the power to overshadow the vows I took. To throw away the trust, intimacy and love that we’d worked so hard to build felt unnervingly easy, so easy to throw away.

Part of me was actively fuelling the obsession. Part of me wanted to cheat.

What was happening in my marriage, that this might be sparked?

Little things. A courageous conversation or two was needed, but it was nothing drastic — honestly.

What was happening in me, that this might be sparked?

Ah. Here is where the juice was.

I was afraid of love. I know it might look like I was looking for love, but I was really following what A Course in Miracles describes as “the ego’s dictate”: seek and do not find.

What drove this attraction, as it has done many others before, was a hidden belief that love is dangerous. That if I fully dive into my love for my husband, it will engulf me, swallow me whole. There’ll be no “me” left. Just like when I was a young girl and my mum’s alcoholism drowned the whole family in her sorrows.

What drove this attraction was the possibility that I might be deeply, unwaveringly loveable. That it might actually be possible to be in love, on purpose and successful.

What drove this attraction was a subconscious drive, handed down through generations of women in my family, to sabotage happiness and push love away. I’m one of the lucky ones, married to my soul mate. This cannot possibly last. I must create trouble at base camp.

The work I live by and teach reminds me daily that I have a choice about who I want to be in the middle of my struggle. Deny what is happening inside of me, and I set myself up for a fall or Tell the truth, and I make way for love?

Reflections from a White Woman on Dating An Indian Man

Even though my dating didn’t work out (for reasons to sad to mention here), two interesting things happened while “seeing” an Indian man for the second time that really made me stop and think … or in one case GASP!

First, it was great to realise that not all Indian men are afraid to be with a white, almost-divorced women for fear of what their parents will say. Obviously, two men isn’t enough to make a truly convincing case on the subject, so my experience level is low. But I hear time and time again from dear friends who really do LIKE me as a person and care about me something along the lines of “Indian men want to take a foreigner out for a drive but they will drive home an Indian woman to marry.” So that mixed with my first experience dating an Indian man who told me straight-up from the start that we “have no future” because of the pressure from his family and the media due to his profession … well, it was a nice change of pace to be with someone who told me he had no issue with that at all.

All this time I sort of thought that if I were younger, or maybe if I’d never been married, or if I didn’t have my lovely daughter in her last year of high school that maybe I could have a relationship with an Indian man. The white women in their 20s and early 30s who I know don’t seem to have any problem. But it just turns out that I haven’t met the right Indian man for ME yet. Feelin’ pretty good about that realisation.

The second thing that happened really took me by surprise. I am used to being stared at simply because I look different and stand out. Normally it never bothers me at all but this time it did.

I was sat next to my ‘power guy’ on the same side of the table – instead of across from each other – at the quaint Indian restaurant, enjoying some wine and their damn tasty lamb chops. A large table of 10 guests across the room stood up and one by one started making their way for the door when the ‘mom’ spotted us sitting close to each other and chatting. I noticed her stop so I looked up, and she turned to her daughter and said something along the lines of “ohhh, look at him trying out a gori’ loud enough for us to hear across the room. Then she proceeded to point, bring in what looked like her sister into the gossip-fest … they pointed, laughed. She stared with a look of disgust at me and continued to gossip to each family member as they filed by, pointing and judging us.

What the hell?

I had a pashmina around me, no skin was showing except from around the collar bone up to my neck and I looked ‘nice’ and moderately conservative so it wasn’t my attire. She was judging us because I wasn’t born in the same country she was without knowing a thing about me. It really is the first time that I’ve experienced this and it sort of shocked me to be honest. After a spell, I stared hard right back, waved to them (though I had considered flipping her the bird, I did decide to take a classier approach to the situation). That sort of broke it up and they continued out the door.

The incident didn’t ruin more than another 30 seconds of our night and then we went back to having fun – because at the end of the day she’s the one who had a problem, not us. My guess is that she feels compelled to try and place others below her to make herself feel better about herself or the life that she’s living. Or maybe she’s just racist. I suppose that is a possibility as well. But it is hard for me to understand because I truly – from the bottom of my heart – feel that everyone is equal and no one race or nation or group is superior to another. Sure, some nations might be techier or more advanced with equal rights for women, human rights or have men that believe that half of the household chores belong to them too {insert smile here}. But I don’t understand why two people – no matter where they are from – can’t fall in love. And why the colour of their skin or where they were born should be any concern to anyone else but themselves.

Passing judgement on people without knowing a thing about them is a terrible pastime. I suppose we all size people up by the look of them – judging a book by its cover so to speak. But taking it any further like that woman did is just awful. That side of dating an Indian man is something I won’t relish experiencing ever again and I’m fairly certain that it would be a rather frequent reality.

All things said and done, I don’t regret a moment of it and I love the way I felt … both about him and the general aura of being a woman in love. It didn’t work out in the long run but i think Indian men are handsome (I love that dark chocolate coloured skin!) sweet and warm and caring … and in my experience, complete and absolute gentlemen.

Why I Hate Online Dating

Including all little girls of our generation, I was ruined from the Little Mermaid. Ariel recognizes Eric for the first time and comes instantly, hopelessly in LOVE. He glimpses her in short order and falls instantly, hopelessly in love.

This shaped the basis of my complete understanding of what love should really look like.

I have always got this idea that when I found The One, I would just know that. It would be purely visceral. The eyes would lock, I would catch my breath since my entire nervous system was frozen, neither one of us realizing what to say or carry out as our twin individuals, at last reunited, wanting to do something, and I would certainly just know, like all those horribly romantic people in these terribly romantic movies, just like Ariel and Eric, I had know.

That’s not the experience you will get from online dating.

Online dating is kind of like shopping for a car. You will have an idea of the basic model you have in mind. Sure, you might have a complete list of specifications and alternatives you would like to have, but you furthermore understand that finding that perfect One is probably all but impossible, thus you’re already going into that with the idea that you’ll probably must settle. But you accept your of this and begin your rigorous search, looking at an endless mode of pictures and scouring facts, making comparisons – zygor is a newer model, although this one has a clean headline and less mileage – with the hope that you’ll eventually find one thing “good enough”. As you know, at some point, you have end searching and just pick anything already.

And that’s what online dating sites are for – finding that “good enough” guy or girl after rummaging through an endless sea regarding selfies and self-advertisements just before landing on one that pays most, though not all, of your respective checklist items. You “favorite” each other the way you add what to your Amazon Wish Checklist or Pin recipes you need to try later, then you plan an in-person interview when you’ll have all manners regarding nonversation while in your head intensely trying to calculate whether or not your husband should advance to the next rounded.

It is strategic and computed and the absolute antithesis regarding romantic.

It’s honest, positive. We’re all looking for certain items, physical attraction often getting the most immediate. It’s possibly a lot more pragmatic to treat dating just like catalog shopping. Why spend your time pursuing someone just to learn later that they want youngsters and you don’t, or they may have 15 cats and most likely allergic, or that their particular idea of a good time is monthlong camping trips and you aren’t function as a human without a couple of hot showers a day?

These are generally all the kinds of things you step out of the way immediately with online dating sites. You click certain bins and look for others who visited the same boxes, read users to determine who has a sense of wit and a modicum of brains versus those whose who also think it’s enough to state, “Just looking for some great people to chill with, inches usually with a few misspellings.

Or perhaps you just swipe left or perhaps right, which is really just what we’re already doing inside our minds anyway.

It’s just about all practical, yes. But Now i am a sucker for a excellent story.
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Despite just about every piece of evidence to the unclear, and never mind that Now i am not getting any younger, Now i am still convinced deep decrease of my own happy stopping, of my great steady “movie love, ” connected with eyes meeting across the bedroom and an immediate sense connected with just knowing.

And this is why My partner and i hate online dating: Not because the “stigma” and not because it just isn’t practical, but because it thinks so much like love brokering.